How to Shake Off a Clingy Valentine: By Going on a Valentine Trip from Hell

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Trip from Hell
Just Not That Into You…

The date is February 14; the birds are chirping, the chocolate industry is rolling in cash and the entire world seems to be in love. You have a partner (hooray!) but you no longer want him or her to be your partner (boo). If you’re too scared to announce that it’s over, why not arrange a “romantic” trip guaranteed to end the relationship for good. Need help planning it? Read on, Contrary Casanova…

JFK International Airport
JFK International Airport (Image via Wikipedia)

Play the Waiting Game

Nothing says “I don’t really love you” like taking your partner to one of the world’s most hated airports, and then having to wait around for hours. If you’re lucky enough, a fight will ensue and you can split up without even having to do the vacation. CNN’s list of world’s worst airports has some surprising entries—a number of the largest international gateways scoring high (or low, depending how you look at it). New York’s JFK polls a shameful “7th most-hated,” owing to the fact the “terminals peaked when the Beatles arrived in the United States.” The un-coveted number one spot goes to Paris-Charles de Gaulle, which, claims CNN, is infamous for dirty washrooms, bad signage and an impossible-to-navigate floor plan. Our personal worst is São Paulo-Guarulhos, where apparently just 41% of flights leave on time. More scope for another argument, perhaps.

Dasht-e Lut
Dasht-e Lut (Image via Wikipedia)

Turn up the Temperature to 111°

For honeymooners and smooching vacationers, sun-drenched destinations are the ideal place to get hot, steamy and sexily tanned. Head somewhere that’s sun-saturated, and you’ll soon be in the throes of a heated (pun intended) argument. Nothing combats romance like chronic sweating, sunburn and dehydration. Recommended destinations? Al-Aziziyah in Libya recorded the hottest ever air temperature in 1922 (a skin-shriveling 136 °F). Iran’s Dasht-e Lut is officially the driest spot on the globe, so much so that in a large part of it no wildlife or even bacteria can live. It’ll kill off your relationship too.

Go Out for a “Nice” Dinner

There’s nothing like a romantic meal to bring two lovers together. Therefore, on the first night of your trip, make dinner as dreadful as possible. Cheese and wine make one of the great romantic culinary combos, unless that is, the cheese is Cazu Marsu (illegal live-maggot-infested stuff from Sardinia), and the wine is Korean baby mice wine (the clue’s in the name).

While you think it might be impossible to go far wrong with chocolate on Valentine’s Day, you’d be surprised. The Japanese are obsessed with the Kit-Kat, and have, to date, produced over 200 limited edition flavors, including sweet potato, grilled corn, soy sauce and European cheese (which contains copious amounts of genuine gouda). Buy your lover a selection and present it as a full meal.

Is your partner strictly anti-smoking? Whisk him or her away to Belgium, with a treat of a box of Dominique Persoone’s finest Havana tobacco truffles. These are made by soaking real cigar leaves in rum and Cognac, and said to leave your throat tingling afterwards, as if you’d actually been sucking on one of Cuba’s finest. To properly make your belle or beau mad, insist upon a breath mint or two afterward.

Make Yourself Less Desirable

Having a sexy visage is all well and good, but what makes many weak at the knees is an accent to die for. Go to a country with devastatingly voiced natives, and let them work their unctuous utterances on your not-so-beloved. Top tips? recently surveyed 5,000 women, and found Irish to be the hottest accent there is. Fly out to the Emerald Isle, find a guy with a silver tongue, and you’re golden. CNN, meanwhile, cites Italian as the sexiest of the lot, describing the sounds as a “Ferrari saxophone.”  If your man gets hot under the collar about fast cars and jazz, set your course for Italy, and be prepared to be his ex in no time.

Caminito del Rey
Caminito del Rey (Image via Wikipedia)

Go on a Terrifying Walk

Check out any Internet dater’s profile, and you can guarantee he or she “enjoys going for walks.” Yup, a good long walk gets the blood flowing and passions stirring. Unless that is, you make it a journey into fear. This will involve some Indiana Jones-style nerve holding on your part, but if you can convince your partner that you’re a death-defying adrenaline junkie, he or she may well decide to no longer keep up with your white-knuckle whims. If you find yourself in Málaga, Spain, insist on navigating the mind-bogglingly narrow Caminito del Rey, a gorge walkway which hovers over 350 feet above the river. Huge gaps are everywhere in this crumbling path, meaning all that’s between you and a nasty end are a few rusty bits of sticking-out steel. Watching this video is terrifying enough.

If your partner is scared of existing ghosts, rather than becoming one, follow Edinburgh’s infamous City of the Dead tour into the dark, dank bowels of Damnation Alley, said to be riddled with gloomy specters. At the moment when they turn out the lights and your partner goes to grab your hand, scamper and hide. Once he or she is over the fright, you’ll be hated forevermore.

Show a Bare-Bodied Cheek

Public nudity might have one of two effects on your partner: either a total gross-out at the flagrant display of bodily bits or titillation from a glimpse of what is being missed. The third effect, of course, is total comfort, not fazed at all, but let’s come back to that. Nudist beaches are on the rise, reports the Telegraph, with “European and Caribbean resorts, tourist boards and even large hotels… now welcoming the casual bare bather.” Parts of the U.S. are big on getting naked too. Land O’Lakes in Florida is known as the nudist capital of the world and has six resorts, including the Island Group, which has been there since 1948. Slip off your pants, and start gabbing with the regulars to your sweetheart’s chagrin. If naturism is your partner’s kind of thing anyway, provide a cold shoulder—and all other body parts. claims that Ireland is now a nudist beach honeypot. Pick a particularly chilly day to visit somewhere like the Silver Strand Beach in Galway, or County Dublin’s Corballis Beach, and pretend it’s the most normal thing in the world to be naked in the frigid Irish Sea. Your partner will soon be frigid with you.

Please note this article is well and truly tongue-in-cheek, and that we don’t in fact condone being horrible to your partner, even if you’re not that keen on him or her anymore. Valentine’s Day is a time for love, so be lovely!

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